Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I wanted to share with you.

I want to share with you what has happened to my family this past week.  I want to share with you my emotions and the event that has changed my life just as much as getting married and having Madelynn changed my life.  Last week I lost a child.
On June 3rd I found out that I was pregnant.  I was so excited.  My husband was so excited.  We had been trying for 8 months to get pregnant and we finally were.  We told everyone.  We came up with a cute way to tell our families.  I made Madelynn a "Big Sister" shirt.  Some people got it right away, other people took a minute to get it.  But most of them were excited for us.  I used some online pregnancy calculators and figured out that I was 5 weeks pregnant.  I called the doctor and set up an appointment.  At like 6 weeks I started feeling some morning sickness in the mornings for about half an hour and then some at around 9 at night.  I had cravings for pizza and BBQ.  I was SO tired all the time.  At around 8 weeks I noticed the morning sickness was starting to go away.  That wasn't strange to me because I had NO morning sickness with Madelynn.  I only felt sick for no reason twice with her.  I was still just as tired and hungry and craving things like crazy.  On June 21st I had my 1st doctor's appointment.  I saw the Nurse Practitioner because it was the first visit.  That's the way my doctor's office does it.  She said everything was fine and everything measured correctly.  There was no reason to think there was anything wrong.  On June 28th at 5am I had one bout of very light spotting.  By one bout I mean, it happened once.  It was so light and so little that it was only on the toilet paper.  I called the doctor's office when they opened and they said as long as there was just that one tiny bit there was nothing to worry about and just to take things a little easier.  I was really worried for a few days.  But after it didn't happen for several days I felt confident that everything really was ok.  I went back to doing everything I normally do.  Didn't worry about it anymore.  Then on Friday, June 9th at 11:30pm I started spotting again.  It was light like before.  But instead of it happening once and then being gone it was there every time I went to the bathroom.  I was so scared.  Casey wasn't at home.  He had went to Kansas City with a friend.  His friend drove so there was no way he could come back until Sunday morning.  I spent an hour Friday night crying.  Then my daughter woke up and wanted to sleep with me.  I was so thankful that she did.  I didn't want to be alone while I was scared.  When I woke up Saturday morning I was still spotting.  It was still light pink and not enough to need a pad.  I called the doctor on call and he said since it was still so light I could wait to call my doctor on Monday unless anything go worse.  Saturday was a wonderful day.  Madelynn was perfect.  She behaved and listened to me.  We took 2 long naps.  We watched movies and read books.  We had a wonderful Mommy/Daughter day.  At bedtime she went to bed along but again woke up and wanted to sleep with me.  I wasn't going to object.  I didn't want to sleep along again.  Sunday morning at 7am I was still spotting.  I went to church.  It was an emotional service for me.  Madelynn was really good compared to how she normally does in church.  When we got home we had lunch and I put Madelynn down for a nap.  I went to the bathroom and I wasn't spotting anymore.  I was so excited.  I texted a friend and told her.  I was sure it was all over and everything was ok.  I layed down for a nap.  We slept for 3 hours.  Casey was home when we woke up.  I was so glad he was home.  Casey is really good at helping me feel less stressed and know that things will be ok.  I started spotting again right before bed.  I just layed in bed, prayed, and went to sleep knowing God was in control no matter what was going on.  Monday morning I called my doctor's office.  I told the nurse what was going on.  She asked about the frequency and color of the bleeding and if I was cramping.  I wasn't yet.  My doctor was in surgery that day so I wouldn't be able to see him.  I had to wait for my regularly scheduled ultrasound appointment on Tuesday.  My sister-in-law took Madelynn for the day on Monday so that I could rest.  I didn't really want to be at home alone all day but I knew I needed to rest.  I sat on the couch, watched tv, played on the computer, and worried.  I don't know how many sited I looked up about spotting/bleeding during pregnancy.  I was positive my baby and I were both fine.  Monday night a wonderful friend brought us food so I didn't have to cook dinner.  We all went to bed early Monday.  It was SO hard for me to get to sleep Monday night.
The morning of Tuesday, June 13th, I woke up and before my feet even hit the floor I prayed to God to give me strength to make it through whatever He had for me that day.  I got up got Madelynn and I dressed.  Took Casey to work.  Went to the store to get Casey some milk and cereal for breakfast(be eats breakfast at his first break).  Got Madelynn a breakfast burrito at McDonalds.  She says burrito and it's the cutest thing.  Then I took Madelynn to Amy's.  It was time to go to the doctor's.  I blared JoyFM the whole way to the office.  I was just dependent on God.  Whatever happened in that office I knew that He was and is with me.  I was shaking I was so scared/nervous when I went into the office.  When I went in for my urine sample I noticed that my spotting had gotten darker.  I just got more and more worried as time went.  I had to keep telling myself God has a reason for all of this.  But if you've ever been in a situation like this you know it can be hard to remember and remind yourself of that.  The nurse asked questions and took my blood pressure and left to get the doctor.  It probably took 5 minutes for the doctor to get in there but it felt like FOREVER.  He asked me what was going on.  I explained it all to him.  He's such a nice doctor.  He said that he was gonna see what's going on.  He turned the monitor away from me.  It was nice so I didn't have to look unless I wanted to.  Right away he said, "It's not good".  My heart sank.  He turned the monitor towards me.  I was afraid I would see my baby there lifeless.  Instead all it was was a blighted ovum.  A blighted ovum is just the gestational sac with no baby.  My doctor told me that what causes it is there is something wrong with the baby chromosomal wise.  So the baby passes away and your body absorbs the tissue.  Him telling me that made me feel disgusting.  That's something horrible to think about.  The bleeding started because my body realized there wasn't a baby there anymore.  My doctor was so nice.  He look truely upset that I had lost my baby.  He was so kind when he was explaining everything to me.  He told me that since there is the ovum still there they have to do a blood test to check my hormone levels to make sure this isn't a new pregnancy.  That was the last thing I really wanted to hear.  I just wanted to go to my car and cry.  But no, I had to hold it in and go get blood drawn.  The lady at the registration desk in the lab asked me, "Now are you not pregnant anymore or do they not know?"  Really?  She asked me that?  I wanted to give her a lesson in being polite and considerate of people's feelings.  Instead I just said, they don't know.  Because I was positive at that point if I said the word miscarriage I was going to break down and not be able to do anything.  The guy that took my blood was also very nice.  He talked to me about the song he had on the radio and about anything but my test.  The walk to the car was the hardest.  There weren't other people around.  I didn't have a reason to hold anything in anymore.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  I also felt like I couldn't get to the car fast enough.  I almost wanted to run.  I got to the car.  Go in, closed the door and let it flood over me.  All of the emotion, all of the fear, all of the everything.  I can't explain how I felt.  I don't know how I felt.  All I know is I wanted my baby and I wanted to cry.  I called my husband when I composed myself enough to be able to talk.  He sounded crushed.  But he just kept reassuring me that God has a reason for all of this, that it will all work out.  It's really hard to remember that when something like this is happening to you.  After I talked to him I sat there for alittle bit before I felt I was ok enough to drive.  While driving I called my sister-in-law Amy.  She was watching Madelynn for me.  She allowed me to take my time and have lunch with Casey and to get my feelings under control.  The rest of Tuesday was just alot of telling people and sadness and not knowing what to do.  Wednesday all I wanted to do was stay home.  I wasn't sure of anything.  I was just so so and whatever about everything.  I was going to go to church Wednesday night but I wasn't ready to face anyone really.  I didn't and still don't know how to tell people what happened.  I stayed home with Casey.  We watched a movie and just tried to have a normal evening.  Thursday we went to Amy's for swimming and funnel cakes.  We had fun.  The kids swam for awhile and then we made funnel cakes.  It was yummy.  Then I had to take Casey lunch.  After lunch Madelynn and I went home for a nap.  On the way home I started cramping.  I layed Madelynn down for a nap and layed in bed and the cramps just kept getting worse.  It felt like I was in labor.  I called the doctor's office and they told me it was normal.  They said that it was because I still hadn't "passed" the gestational sac.  Well shortly after I talked to them I'm sure that's what happened.  There was a blood clot, well that's what it looked like, the size of a chicken egg.  It was horrible.  I was in pain, I wanted to puke, I wanted to cry.  I was still cramping pretty badly so I took some ibProphen and curled up for a nap.  When I woke up the cramps had calmed down.  I was still really freaked out by the clot.    Thursday evening was a semi normal evening after that.  I don't really remember what we did that evening.  I do remember that I wrote this, "I can't think of a title for this post.  I'm sitting here felling like I'm wearing a diaper from this stupid pad.  I am so frustrated angry.  I don't know who I'm angry at.  There's no one to be angry at.  I'm sure not angry at God.  I just have to keep telling myself there is a reason for this.  God knows the reason.  It was better for the baby this way.  It was better for him to go live with Jesus for us to meet him in Heaven one day.  Then he'll be healthy and happy and he'll get to meet his big sister and his mommy and daddy."  I was going to write this post I'm writing now but I wasn't ready to and it just cause me to be more upset than I already was. When Casey and I layed down for bed I just broke down.  Up until that I hadn't cried infront of anyone.  That's just not something I do.  I hate people seeing my emotions.  I had cried off and on when I was by myself either in the car or the bathroom or while Madelynn was napping or at night when everyone was asleep.  But Thursday night the flood gates were open.  I cried for about 2 hours.  I don't know if Casey knew what to do.  I would have been scared if someone cried on me like that for that long.  After that I didn't cry for 2 days.  I was alright.  I was and am settled with the fact that God needed my baby in Heaven more than He needed my baby to stay here with me.  I know that one day I will meet my baby in Heaven.  I will get to hold him and love him.  I so look forward to that day.  
Today I went back to the doctor to make sure there was no remaining tissue and to make sure I didn't have to have a D&C.  The doctor told me everything is physically fine.  I don't have to have any surgery.  He said that I will still bleed for awhile.  And that after I have had 2 cycles we can try for another baby.  
I will always remember and want for this baby.  I will always miss this baby.  But I am able to get through every day because I have an Awesome God, a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and caring family and friends that will get me through until the day I die and get to go to Heaven to meet my God and Savior.  Then I will also get to meet my baby and be there with the rest of my loved ones that have found Jesus.

I wanted to write this out for myself so that I will always have a reminder of exactly how I felt.  But I also wanted to share it with you so that if it has happened to you you'll know you're not alone.  
I had never read a miscarriage story so I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know what was happening to me when I was cramping and clotting.  But now I do.  You can not be prepared for something like this to happen to you.  But maybe you can have more knowledge of what's going on to you and you're not the only one that has this pain if it does happen.  Thank you for letting me share my story with you.


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