Saturday, December 19, 2009

I should be happy.

This is the Christmas season. I should be happy, joyful, and thankful for all of the things God has given me. But tonight I am not. I am sad and quite upset. Upset at myself for having such a gracious self sacrificing God that loves and cares for me yet I sacrifice nothing. Seriously sitting here I can not think of one thing that I have truly sacrificed. I am so grateful to have my God. I feel like I should be doing more for Him in return for the eternal life He has given me. I feel because I am failing to give more to God I am failing in my marriage and at motherhood. Not to the point of ruining my marriage or being a bad mother but I know I can be a better wife and mother I just have to get closer to God.
I was reading a few of the blogs that I follow this evening and I really almost cried. I almost cried because I know some amazing Godly women. I would really like to be more like them. I just need to know how to get here. If you know of a devotion or personal bible study or anything that could help me get there please let me know. And please pray for me as I strive to reach closer to God.

1 comment:

Amy Matthews said...

Looking forward to book club. I know how you feel. I feel that way often. First step is prayer. For a while I just found myself crying everytime I began to pray. I just felt worthless and unworthy to even speak to God. But I kept praying. Next step reading God's word. Not anyone else's. Seek Him in His word. Then read someone else's. Pick a spot, I like to read red letters when I need a word from God. Not that the other letters are NOT from God, they are, but there is something about reading what Jesus said that helps me picture him beside me or holding me hand and talking to me. God has called us to be wives and mothers and so when we are not doing what we know we should in regards to that we are failing to be obidient to Him. We honor God by honoring our husbands and loving our children. I just read the Me Time Myth by Amy Roberts at Raising Arrows, go read it. Also I have a few books for you. I will pray for you. That you feel the way you do says good things about you. The Holy Spirit is convicting your heart, that means that God wants to work in you & through you. That means He loves you and has a plan for you. You are growing. I am happy to know you and I am looking forward to being by your side and watching and helping and loving you as you grow in the Lord and I am hoping you will do the same for me. It will be fun to look back in ten years and see how things have changed, how we have grown. I have set goals for my spirtitual growth, weekly, monthly, yearly. If I don't set goals then months turn into years and I am still no further. This is a long commnet :)